Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
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Wait a second…
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
9 circles of hell in this economy?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.