Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Welcome to the stomach
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
AM I BEING GASLIT????
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any