Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Well well well…
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir