Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

[returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us..

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.