Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?