Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

*Daycare drop off*

4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.