Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

well this is just bullshirt

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

*first date*

Her: I love strong guys…

Me: I would fight

Her: …with a playful side…

Me: with Mickey Mouse

Her: …and a naughty side…

Me: in bed

Her: what

Me: what

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti