Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Husband: Can you ever be serious?

Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Me: Can you bring back Prince?

Genie: I can’t bring people back.

Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?

Genie: Who was that dead guy again?

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT