Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.