Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Not messing around
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Happy birthday to all the women
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?