Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
decorating my apartment
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!