*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Tuesday
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
North and South
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Story of my life…..
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.