do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes