Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I just love that new Pope smell.

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.