do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
absolutely not
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.