Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
#FunnyLife Insects
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
work smarter, not harder
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born