Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
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[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Grandmother clock.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.