Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

Interview Tip #17

be polite and maintain eye contact

[later]

Interviewer: hello

Me: *staring intensely* yes please

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy

Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?

Me: I don’t like your tone

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?