Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
You Might Also Like
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
i think we should see other cousins
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
He instantly became one of the bros
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.