Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆

Not a bad book. Prose and cons.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then