Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”

reviewed some movies recently

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?