Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.

Great acting.. 😂

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Cashier: Gimme shake

Customer: *offers paw*

Cashier: Good…here’s your order!

-McDogald’s

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls