Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You Might Also Like
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman