Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it