Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
You Might Also Like
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.