You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
brian had himself a morning…
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.