“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My typo game is string.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
