“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
the composer
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Just why bro?!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
