do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job