do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking