do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Still a very good boi….
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*