do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]