do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
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I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Can confirm.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Rooting for the overdog
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?