do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
just pretend nothing happened
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog