do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Still my favorite television listing of all time: