do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
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Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Always this one for me forever