Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

Born to be mild.

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Just parrot things

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out