Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Another day, another…goddammit

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.