do u think theres a butter planet?
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A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner