Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!