Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila