Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
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I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I am, perchance
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work