Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.