Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

You’re not my real can

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

guys i’ve cracked the code

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.