Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.