Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.