Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If only.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I put the p in pants.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”