Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.