Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

◾️

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

How it started How it’s going

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!