Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I feel this so hard

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office