Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

can I use a minion as a tampon

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”

no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

Friends that check up on you >

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved