do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21