Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.