Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.