Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.