Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
no!! no!!!!!!
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER