Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
i now pronounce you bounced.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If a snake ate a cake
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius