Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
You Might Also Like
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
fourth time’s the charm
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.