Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I

T
H
I
N
K

W
E

S
H
O
U
L
D

R
U
I
N

P
E
O
P
L
E
S

T
I
M
E
L
I
N
E

B
Y

T
W
E
E
T
I
N
G

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

A
L
L

D
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”