do what now??
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.