Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

“HELP WITH CAT”

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those