“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.