“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
WTF IS THAT!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus