“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Oh deer
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nosferatu
Nosfera2
Nosf3ratu
Nos4atu
Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Oops
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
How does someone manage that 🤨
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe