Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—

My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.