“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
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I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I fixed it. For me
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Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.