Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Sex so good you see dead people.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”