“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
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The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
this chia pet tastes awful
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all