‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
You Might Also Like
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you鈥檙e willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I鈥檓 not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 馃槓
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they鈥檝e had to refuse to do for a customer
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That鈥檚 great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How 鈥榖out those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It鈥檚 okay to swear at scissors
Sees Sasquatch鈥檚 foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I鈥檇 hate to see the creature that鈥檚 attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.