‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep