‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.